If you don’t know why you were born, why you’re here, and you question the purpose of your life then don’t put this book down.
As you read my words, you may begin to think that I am crazy. So did I, but I’m learning everything was for those “crazy” thoughts. I didn’t know I’d have to walk out the book before I could write it.
There were many voices in my mind and, my pain was great but then I heard God say next, and I stepped out of the line called Victim.
Sometimes being called crazy is only the road to being understood. When I was much younger, my friends and I would see someone playing basketball really good or playing the drums, and we would say man he is crazy on those drums.
What we were saying was that he was outside of the limit that we put in our minds. You are not mad as being insane, but your passions and purpose can’t be defined by the box of yesterday.
Never allow the mistakes of man to be the reason for quitting anything in life. Remember that God uses the foolish things to confound the wise. Only God can have a plan that includes mistakes by man and it still comes out perfect.
- Pain has a way of taking you back to your past.
- Pain looks for agreement even if they are not true.
- Pain will lie to you about yesterday just to make today’s pain seem so real.
I allowed the absence of my father not being in my childhood to say who I was not. I was mad because my father was not what I thought he should be in my life. I judged him without a jury or facts. I wanted to believe that if he were not in my life, then I would not be loved, or have any worth. When pain is felt, it will tell you to get a chair in your mind and then takes some circumstances, past, present, or future and place the circumstance in that chair to support your feelings.
From then on use this place to justify your next actions. These become lifelong reasons never to allow anyone to hurt you again, which will become your first line of defense. This is the first establishment of your reality, not God’s truth. I did this for years, and this kind of thinking made me question myself.
Most of my life I questioned who I was, or what I was. This became my conviction, which told me that no one would be there for me. Who could identify me or with me? Over the years I thought that I was only an accident of pleasure, not a person of purpose. You can see from reading these things that I believed my conception was not under love but force and pain. I was acting as if God had left me in the hands of a man without a plan or purpose for my life. I lived under these mindsets for years, putting me on a search for pleasure when what I needed was to know God’s purpose for my life.
If you make yourself the victim without purpose saying this was a part of God’s plan, then these truths will take you down, not up and that can’t be the purpose from God concerning your life.
When people tell you that your beginning is terrible, it makes you ask why continue on the journey?
I must learn from it all; there has to be a good reason why I suffered so much? It is questions like this that will put you on the right road where you begin seeking God for the right answers.
So I learn, fight, and see. Then I cry, move, and begin to walk out of the false perception into the truth concerning my life.
Truth has come, and I am happy for the first time based on truth and not lies. So I breathe, smile, and then I say okay what’s next?
When you are young and pregnant, influences can come from everywhere. Family members, pastors, schoolteachers, but in my case, it was my grandparents. My grandfather was a preacher; he was the preacher that preached holiness or hell. He believed that watching TV, women wearing pants, and going bowling were a sin. People called him Papa Jenkins, a very strict man who lived by those Old Bible Principles. My grandfather was well known in the city and had great respect within our community.
My grandparents did not get married for love. For them, love was not required, but obligation was. My father’s real mother hemorrhaged and bled to death right in front of him. He watched her die because at those times in the early forties, many black families could not afford to call an ambulance. When my father’s mother began hemorrhaging they attempted to help her, but there was nothing that they could do; they lost her while in my grandfather’s arms. This left my father, his two older sisters and his father alone. Well, my grandfather heard about a woman who lived in Mississippi whose husband died and left her with one daughter also. Being moved by her problem of raising a daughter by herself and him raising his children alone, my grandfather decided to write her a letter. She was so moved by it that she agreed to marry him; deciding together they would raise the children. They never had children of their own. Because of this, they believed that sometimes a relationship is about obligation and not always love.
I believe that one of the main reasons why my father and I did not connect at first in my mind was because I felt he didn’t want the obligation of me being his son nor did he love me at first. I believed that my mother just happened to get pregnant. Law moved him not love in my book. And I hated this and anyone that I thought did not love me out of “love.” To me, love that is ruled by force is forced-love, and I see it as equal to rape. This kind of thinking grew branches in my mind, and yes it did bear much fruit.
Sometimes how you start is how you will end, if there is no truth being revealed while on the journey.